Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
