I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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