Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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