If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
