I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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