btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
