is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
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