I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
