hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
