I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
