Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
