ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
