I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Randomize
