woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Panties = found
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
