She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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