Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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