Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
