remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
