He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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