Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
