just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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