Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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