worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
