Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
