someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
