I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
