Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I just threw up on my dentist
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
