when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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