i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
