Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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