he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize