I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
