We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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