Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
