she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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