love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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