I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
