Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
