Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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