He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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