Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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