You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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