I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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