Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
