I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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