dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
