Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
