I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize
