She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
