for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
