just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
