can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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