someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
