I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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