Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
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