She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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