I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
