this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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