Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
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