The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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